She is in my trunk
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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