Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
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