so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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