I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
