I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
