one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
