Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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