I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I got inside last night via doggy door
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
