Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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