I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
