last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
