I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
