Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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