i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
