Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
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