i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Randomize
