dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
