I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Mom said you looked used
I think I sprained my soul last night
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
