Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
