Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
