all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
