you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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