Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
