I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
third nipple confirmed
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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