So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
