I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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