It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Randomize
