he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
