You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
