He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
