so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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