It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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