Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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