We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
