Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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