So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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