Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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