the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
