i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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