my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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