Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
