Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
from now on my penis is your penis
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
