I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
