my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
