Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
