Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
