just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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