Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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