So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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