If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Just invented taco cereal.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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