You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
